Why we should take slowing down seriously
When I stumbled into a 12-step program in my twenties, in an effort to salvage what was left of my life, I found myself overrun by feelings of panic, remorse, and general anxiety. I sought out help because I was tired of feeling broken and was desperate for change. Thanks to some amazing stroke of luck or grace or both, I found lasting sobriety, and even some peace and freedom.
In those early days, I found that peace throughย doing โtheย work.โ For me, this meant an honest dive into the 12 steps, but also through to re-engaging with life. I stayed busy washing the dishes, going to meetings, calling my mom, being of service, and taking the bus across town at 6 am to meet my AA sponsor. And for the first time in my life, by taking these seemingly irrelevant actions, I found sanity and some meaning. I found it by putting the basic tasks of recovery first and foremost and letting myself be regularly being inconvenienced by them.
And through taking these actions suggested by my recovery community โ the small, daily tasks that added up to a good life โ I somehow stumbled into a Higher Power. Without looking, I found God in the good, honest work put in front of me each day.
And ultimately, I found God through facing my discomfort. Walking up to a thousand fires and standing in front of the heat, until I changed. As time went on, wheneverย I felt restless, or unsettled,ย I took the route I had always traveledย to get back in touch with my higher power:ย doing โtheย work.โ
That model is good and true.
However, as time goes on, Iโve discovered that I still behave as if the only way to get toย Godโand the relief and freedom I find when I am truly connectedโis by sweating. Blood, sweat, tears, and toil, asย Winstonย Churchill would have it. Whenever I felt disconnected, Iโd get to hustling. Iโd hustle for God.
I did not know that if I could sit still for a minute,ย and get really quiet,ย soft,ย andย receptive,ย God would be right there with me.ย For free.
All I needed to do was make room.
Grace is defined asย an unearned gift, like something for nothing. And that isย finallyย how it is between my higher power and me. I donโt need to work for Godโs love. Itโsย available all the time,ย notย only afterย Iโve gotten perfect and ticked everything off someย imaginary list.
Godย isย just as availableย to me in stillness, in silence and in rest.ย I practiceย thisย by turning my thoughts towards my higher power as much as possible in a given day, just like I would turn my face towards the sunlight. I donโt need to tell God what to doโI can just spare a moment to make myself open to Godโs presence.
In the AA big bookโs direction on Step 11, it tells us inย myriad ways to turn to God. If Iโm resentful, turn to God. If Iโm unsure, turn to God. When I wake up, turn to God. When I go to sleep, turn to God. Just like I do with my significant other, I check in throughout the day. Iย inviteย Godย into my life.ย This is less about the hustle for Godโs grace and more about the practical realization that it is there for the taking, as long as my palms are open.
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